Monday, November 22, 2010

Flagstaff Guide to Winter Driving

During my walk to and from school this morning, I observed a list of rules that drivers in Flagstaff seem to be adhering to after the first snow of the season. I wrote them down for you!

1) Snow is the scariest shit ever. Avoid contact with it at all costs.
2) Snow tires are stupid, especially for two-wheel drive vehicles. Your chromed rims are all that matter.
3) Scraping ice off your windshield is a waste of time and thus, money. Don't bother. If you must, scrape a hole about the size of an infant's fist and keep your head really close to the windshield
4) Ice scrapers are expensive. Just use your fingernails to scrape the ice off your car.
5) If your vehicle is not accelerating fast enough, repeatedly mash the accelerator. To the floor.
6) If your vehicle is not moving at all, push the accelerator to the floor and keep it there. Eventually, your tires will melt a hole through the ice and catch pavement.
7) Aftermarket body kits are designed to function as snow plows.
8) Drive at speeds less than 15 mph or greater than 45 mph to ensure traction.
9) The faster you go, the better traction you have.
10) The only surefire way to stop your vehicle is to roll it. Multiple times. Brakes are overrated.
11) Talking on your cell phone while driving is the only way to make sure that you will be able to call 911 when you adhere to Rule #10.
12) Sharp yanks on the wheel are more effective than slow turning motions. They also help with rule #10.
13) Never ever ever scrape the rear window. Nothing happening behind you could possibly be of any importance.
14) The laws of physics do not apply to you.
15) The laws of physics do not apply to other drivers.
16) Don't worry about stopping distance - all vehicles regardless of weight and speed stop in the same distance on dry roads and on ice.
17) Your front bumper is a great place to hook tow cables.
18) Cops don't go out in the snow - you won't get pulled over for driving like a moron or for crashing into someone else.
19) Snow plows will yield to your puny compact car. Every time.
20) Just because the car in front of you spins out on the ice, it doesn't mean the roads are slick.

Just off the top of my head. I'm sure I'll think up a few more...

Feel free to add via the comments section below!